Pretty Little Death

Tag: romance

  • The beginning of the end

    The end doesn’t always come as a full stop. Especially in the beginning, it comes as specks of realisation.

    Those specks hurt progressively.

    Letting go of old and long-term habits are incredibly hard. It is harder when it involves a loved one or someone you have grown to treat as family.

    Who do you first interact with when you wake up, who do you have dinners with or watch TV with, who do you share a house with, who do you watch movies with, or have long (not-so-pleasant) conversations with ever so often?

    On the surface, these are all just habits. But they have a way of sneaking into the deepest parts of your mind and staying anchored there.

    In the beginning, the end seems like a whisper. It seems like it is at a distance away.

    Going through the daily motions of life hoping for the end to come more quickly will make it seem slow and impossible.

    But when the end is near, things change dramatically and it becomes heart wrenching.

    It will no longer feel like a fantasy or idea you used to toy with. The concreteness of it will feel heavy and painful.

    How do you step out of something you used to be in for so many years? No situation is a hundred percent bad. There have been good moments.

    How do you divorce your soul from a life you have built over time and convinced yourself to call home?

    And if that involves someone else, how can you break someone else’s heart to mend your own? Would that be selfish?

    Are you leaving them in a better state, or can you look the other way, take no responsibility that isn’t yours and leave it to fate?

    As you can see, I have too many questions… while the answers seem to elude me.

    As the famous saying goes: “Upadhi dukkhassa mūlan’ti” — attachment is the root of suffering.

  • Bird poop

    Years ago, an old flame and I decided to take a walk.

    I was a willing party, but he reluctantly came along just because I’d asked.

    It was truly adorable how he at first seemed really grumpy and lightened up as we progressed in our approximately 2km walk.

    He was chatty and smiling most of the journey. Then suddenly, a bird cast its creamy blessing on his shoulder. 

    I was partly terrified that he would be angry and that would ruin his mood.

    At the same time, I found the fact that a bird chose to accurately aim its excretion at him hilarious.

    Despite my strongest effort not to laugh, I ended up vibrating violently. Upon seeing that, he burst into his usual thunderous laughter.

    He appeared genuinely amused (and disgusted… but mostly amused).

    For that, I felt grateful.

  • Hold on/me

    For the past three weeks, words have failed me.

    So I did what every Tamil eventually does when language falls short. I turned to Sangam poetry.

    Perhaps this can say what I have been trying to.

    Translation and my thoughts are at the end.

    குறுந்தொகை 40

    யாயும் ஞாயும் யாராகியரோ?

    எந்தையும் நுந்தையும் எம்முறைக் கேளிர்?

    யானும் நீயும் எவ்வழி அறிதும்?

    செம்புலப் பெயல் நீர் போல
    அன்புடை நெஞ்சம் தாம் கலந்தனவே.

    Translation:

    What are you and I to each other?

    What relation is my mother to yours, and your mother to mine?

    How did you and I ever come to know one another?

    Like rainwater falling upon red earth, our loving hearts have mingled and become one.

    My thoughts

    There is a reason this poem still finds people after all these years. It understands something I have never quite found the words for.

    Sometimes, people just happen to us.

    They are not ours. They do not come from where we come from.

    There is no reason for them to matter as much as they do. And yet, they do.

    Two people, born into different families, living entirely separate lives, somehow meet and feel as though they have known each other for much longer than a lifetime permits.

    “Like rain on red earth.”

    I think about that line often.
    Because once the rain falls, can you really ask the earth to give it back?

    Maybe that is why some people never quite leave us. Not because we are unwilling to move on, but because somewhere along the way, they became a part of us and we, a part of them.

    Kurunthogai 40 isn’t trying to explain love.

    It is simply acknowledging that some things were always going to happen.

    And perhaps that is the saddest thing of all. That some people are written into our lives in ink, even if they were never meant to stay.

  • Catch a cold, not feelings

    Solo dates and people-watching are among my favourite activities.

    Recently, I sat in a café watching two young twin brothers play a Math game on their iPads while their parents scrolled through their phones in silence. I spent the entire time observing them.

    Then, quite accidentally, through the reflection in the father’s spectacles, I realised he was arguing with someone on Telegram. The boys’ mother, meanwhile, was scrolling through a dating app.

    The boys remained absorbed in their game.

    Very grateful that I no longer have to be afraid of something like that happening to me because I would neither ignore nor betray myself in my silent little life.

    This needs to be said.

    There was a time when I felt very lonely despite being surrounded by people.

    On most mornings back then, right after waking up, I felt an intense hatred for being awake and being alive.

    I would scroll through my phone’s contact list and wonder if I should reach out to the people who usually reached out to me.

    By the end of the scrolling exercise, I always arrived at the same conclusion: I had nobody to talk to.

    It’s very different now; I no longer hate being alive. I also consciously choose myself over everyone else, especially during the first few hours of being awake.

    On most days, I am up before the sun rises. Hours pass before a conversation with anyone other than myself begins. And I consciously make it that way.

    I remain a hopeless romantic, though.

    I still love the occasional cute moment of romance that catches me by surprise.

    I just don’t expect encore episodes or anything serious.

  • This Is Not Fan Fiction.

    Random pic ✅️⬆️ Random caption ✅️➡️ And I’d give up forever to touch you

    But first, the sidebar you didn’t ask for.

    Yesterday, I realised I was battling a silent addiction.

    I sat in the office for a good five minutes before everything started feeling deafeningly louder — the silence, the loneliness, the coldness of the room.

    Without noticing, I found myself reaching into my bag for my earphones.

    My hands trembled with an urgency that felt almost ridiculous, like a bobblehead bobbing on the dashboard of a lorry hurtling down a rocky road in Western Malaysia.

    For a fleeting moment, it genuinely felt as though I couldn’t bear another second without music.

    That’s my addiction.

    Music. Bet you were waiting for a druggy confession! Hah.

    But somewhere along the way, I had definitely forgotten how to sit alone with my own thoughts. That’s not great!

    So, here I am now, trying to sit alone with my thoughts (at least until these words get read, haha).

    Here’s the not-fan fiction you’ve been waiting for

    Someone told me I was trying to gather material to produce fan fiction for my blog.

    That seemed like a request.

    I need to please my audience, but I simply cannot come up with fan fiction out of nowhere. 

    Instead, I come bearing a poem I wrote last July about a totally fictional moment.

    I’m no Edgar Allan Poe. Enjoy, though.

    July Twenty Twenty-Five

    That’s all. Kthxbye!